Apples: The Devil's Fruit

I don't like apples. I'd go as far as to say that I hate apples. The apple is a wretched fruit that was brought to earth by Satan himself in order to deceive humanity and force us into corrupt ways.

I don't remember when I started to despise apples, for as long as I can remember. My siblings used to torment me with them. They still do to this day. Everyone does. Even customers at work will call me just to bite into an apple.

I'll be hanging about minding my own business, drinking a cup of coffee and then suddenly that sound. You know the one, that crisp crunchy blast of evil bursting into a persons mouth. If you were able to take everything wrong with the world and condense it into one sound it would be that.


It's here that I'm afraid my relationship has gone beyond just hating them. When I hear someone bite into an apple my body immediately convulses and my spine shakes furiously. It's as if every molecule in my body wants to run as fast as possible in every direction. As soon as they realize that they can't escape the episode is over and I take my body as a whole and get as far away as possible.

This has proven to be somewhat difficult living in Washington. Apples are everywhere. You can't even walk into a grocery store without seeing piles of them just waiting to infect the population with their sinister meat. Large portions of the state are covered in orchards dedicated to their propagation. People erect giant stands along the side of the highway in order to vend them to unsuspecting tourists. It's gone too far.

Even the Bible warned us about them. Point blank told us that the devil was using apples against us. Did anyone listen? NO! We just kept on planting more and more apple trees. Spreading the evil further and further across the planet. Soon there will be no stopping it. We'll all become slaves to the apple.

Why do you think that Apple, Inc has been so successful? They're in a secret alliance with apples (the fruit) to subjugate and then enslave all of humanity. They won't stop until we're all in shackles spending all our days in the orchards and evenings worshiping apple icons. They'll force us to do to strange dances of praise and sacrifice each other for reasons that we don't fully understand.

How can we let this happen!?

We need to stop the madness!!!!!!

Now I know what you're thinking. "I like apples, this guy must just be crazy". Truth be told I probably am, however that doesn't mean that I'm making this all up. It also doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the sweet apple flavor you've come to love.

It's actually quite simple - cook the devil out. By cooking apples you effectively destroy the satanic qualities they hold within allowing you to enjoy the fruit without any adverse side effects. Then you can still enjoy apple pies, apple crisps, apple dumplings, apple cobblers, brown betties, apple strudel, apple sauce, and so many more wonderful foods.

This can also be achieved by pressing the demon out, as when you collect the juices for cider. It's actually extremely reward to make cider. All of those apples agonizing as you steal their life force more and more with each turn of the wheel. You can almost hear them scream.